Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
