i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
