Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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