Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
