My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
