quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
