my phone needs a breathalizer
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
