I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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