I bet he comes in French.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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