Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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