Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
