well you can't waste a boner
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
