in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Congratulations! We have a period
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