i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
