my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
