I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
