Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
