ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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