This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
