I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
They took my balls.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
