Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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