sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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