I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
