They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
