Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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