I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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