I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
