I skipped work to stalk him.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
