Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
