Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she told me i tasted like america
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
