My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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