you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
