I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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