my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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