tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
