I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
pop tarts are not kleenex
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize