Tell her she can't have a vagina
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize