I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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