my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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