"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
