My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize