just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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