At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
