and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
