Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
