my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize