Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize