All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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