I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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