LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
