Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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