Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
