Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
sex in a hospital.. check
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
