Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
