I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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