I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
