some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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