remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize