I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
