Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
