didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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