hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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