tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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