Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
