You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
