I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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