Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
