never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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