Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
