I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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